Saturday, April 20, 2013

So I told them I passed, reaction was, oh, give us a treat ^_^

But then, it was subdued after a while. Like it's known, you're so stingy, but at the same time there's tension, why aren't you giving?

At the same time, maybe the the thoughts are, I helped others, like to pay for R's recruitment fee which then allowed him to pay off his debts back home...

So just like the auntie who was helping me find a job, or the uncle, they realize, if you help another person at this early stage, if they become successful, and when it's your time that you need help, they will help you because they helped you before.

So now it's like they also want to pass but it's like sure they want to know how to pass but at the same time they don't want the notion that they passed because I helped them, they want the notion that they passed due to their own struggle, because if I helped them and when it's time for me to ask for help from them, they don't like that, because what if you can't help, or like the way they're treating you is different because they know they helped you so now you have to be nice to us, or it's like you are a striving student and you did it, you passed, without this guy's help, much better like that...

Anyway won't things be so much simpler if other people will help you without other thoughts attached to it, but then that's not the way life is, in my utopian dream it would be like that but life is not utopia.

It's not perfect!

So waiting for them to ask for help because I can't really help unless someone asks for it, same thought as before, my fear is if they do ask for help, and I do help them but I help them not at a level of being 100%, so the effect is like just a little help, not enough to pass, so I did not help them enough, oh the pressure, too much forward thinking. I think the best way is to just be straightforward, like Nike, just do it.

Scenario: the cranky old lady who prefers to be independent and then you're thinking, oh I'm going to help her out of the car, she needs it, I will be so helpful! I'll be known as a helpful person! But then she wants to be independent so instead of being helpful to her, reality is you do the opposite, and she's cranky so she spurns your advances to help.

Or like the other day, waiting for the renewal, the TV, it said, the most merciful... so it's like you know the most merciful so you're thinking oh I'm going to do this but I know the most merciful so I just repent and that's it, I'm forgiven, back to being fresh, and you truly regret doing it afterwards because you know it's bad, but looking back, before you did it, I wanted to do it, maybe because it's pleasurable, it's what I want to do, I'm angry at this person and oohh you just want to wring him like wet clothes, crumple him like garbage paper, pop him like a sesame seed.

So what values do I have? I'm good, I'm bad, I want pleasure, I want to do it, but it's bad, so like the patients, they made a mistake, so they're angry at their relatives because they won't help him, so your frustrations are so painful, you go back to the things that give you comfort, this drug is nice, it feels good, it's a cycle, again and again. Can you just split yourself: you're a shelf, move the bad parts on one side, split yourself, and then you're now the empty side which can hold new things.

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